Have you ever tried the same diet as a friend only to watch the pounds melt off her while you gain weight?
Like many others, I have searched for the “right” way to lose weight—low fat, Keto, plant-based, carnivore, intermittent fasting. Yet the longer I read and experimented with nutrition, the more convinced I became that we are all a study of one.
It was a phrase I heard repeatedly in books and podcasts about health, and I realized it applied to much more than diet. What works for someone else, or even a group of people, might not work for you. The challenge is resisting the temptation to compare ourselves to others.
In a divorce, comparison can be especially damaging. I had heard about other divorces. Expensive court battles. Years of conflict. Financial devastation. Before I knew it, I began to measure my future against these divorce horror stories. How was I going to handle this crazy development in my life?
Then on a divorce podcast, I heard the phrase that changed my thinking: No two divorces are the same.
In my divorce, I realized that I would not have the same issues as others with more assets and younger children. While my divorced friends and I shared the common thread and pain of ending a marriage, the work would look different to me.
I learned that my divorce (and yours) would not mirror the divorces of friends, the rich and famous, or anyone else. We are all a study of one.
My divorce would be mine alone.
If no two people are the same and no two marriages are the same, why would we expect two divorces to be the same? Stop measuring your life against someone else’s. Don’t compare yourself to your married friends and family, and don’t compare yourself to your divorced friends and family.
In The Science of Stuck (2022), Britt Frank reminds us that comparison and perspective are not the same thing. Comparison keeps us stuck; perspective helps us move forward. It’s important to know the difference. Stop comparing and gain some perspective.
There will always be someone who is better off than you, and there will always be someone who is worse off. Perhaps that’s another way of saying what Teddy Roosevelt meant when he wrote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Just like in our dieting and health journeys, in divorce, we are all a study of one.
N = 1.
Bon Courage. You can do this.
Claire
We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Claire Cummins Lorenz 